The Pain Dreamer
I am Felicia Fredlund – the Pain Dreamer.
I dream dreams of pain, of suffering, of angst.
Pain. The feeling of hurt.
Suffering. Soul deep pain.
Angst. Emotional pain.
Am I a sadist? Do I want to hurt you? Do I want to make you suffer? Do I want you to feel angst?
No. No. No. No.
I never wish pain on anyone. I never want anyone hurt. If I could take away everyone else’s pain by taking it myself, I would.
I dream – daydream – pain. Pain for my characters, for me, to overcome. Pain, suffering, and angst so crushing I wouldn’t be able to survive it in reality.
I suffer through the angst ridden daydreams to let go of pain. To let loose all bottled emotions I carry tight to my chest. A weight if left unchecked makes me so unstable I lash out at anything, and everything.
Pain for release.
Suffer to let go.
Angst to be free.
Those are my dreams at night, my conscious dreams. They are not light; they are not kind; they are not for you or for anyone else. They are not to be told, because I don’t wish to darken the day.
I must think darkness to balance my love of people, of places, of things. Not darkness on you, not darkness on anybody, but darkness for me. It makes me feel good; it gives me release; it makes me free.
Free to love by day. Free to hold family and friends close and strangers closer. Everyone has the potential to be good, to laugh, to love. I want to nurture that to make it grow.
I have empathy for everyone. Love for everyone. It tears the soul, fills it up with darkness. A darkness that needs to be released at night.
Balance.
Yin and yang.
Gemini.
I am a Gemini. It is said I have two faces; two masks. One mask of light and one mask of dark. Two faces to show the world – two potential personas to mould the world with. One I choose to shape my environment and one I shape my dreams with.
Yin and yang. Yin – the mask of night. Yang – the mask of day. They are the balance. Both exists, one would not be without the other. Love and Hate. Pain and Pleasure.
Pain is for night, for bottled emotions, for me; Pleasure is for day, for everyone else, for me. I am light by day, because I am dark by night. I need to be dark by night, because I choose to be light by day.
I dream dreams of pain, suffering and angst to live a life of light, love and empathy.
I create pain, soul deep suffering, and emotional angst. I create it with dreams. I create it with words. Words are the portal to emotions. Emotion is what it’s all about.
I am the Pain Dreamer. I write and dream darkness. It is not a darkness to destroy; it is a darkness to strengthen, to heal, and to create.
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Very intense. And very apt. Balance is required in all things, in art, work, life, health. The ability to move through the darkness in attempt to create balance and to overcome the pain of obstacles is a great skill. Very nice entry!